Back again…

Not much point wasting my precious time apologising for not writing for almost two months…Who am I going to apologise to anyway?! Besides ‘sorry’ is a word I’ve been using more sparingly recently…

In fact, I’ve been doing lots of things more sparingly recently…things that are not serving me, that are upsetting me, sapping my energy and so on…and am getting better at it…

I haven’t been writing anything in the last two months, and nothing of significance for much longer…that was because I wasn’t sure what has been happening. After indecision that lasted for almost four years, I’ve made some decisions to change my life…And that’s what I’ve been doing…

But believe me it’s not been easy, and am nowhere near finishing yet.

Whoever said ‘change is as good as new’ or something like that was right. I do feel like a new person in many ways…those who see me after a few weeks / months tell me I’ve changed noticeably…Not a physical change – I have the same hair, same weight, height etc. But I feel a little lighter in the head, the burden I’ve been carrying on my shoulders is lessening.

But even these fantastic results – and am not going to go into detail of the results or the process, not now anyway – have been hard to achieve. I had not realised how difficult it can be to put myself in the centre of my world; to say to myself ‘you are the most important person in your life’; to assert my wants and needs first of all to myself and then to others. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t some doormat that needed shaking the dust out of. I’ve always had a good life, always had just enough money, friends, hobbies; I’ve stood up for myself when needed, achieved things I set myself to etc. But I also hardly ever knew what I really wanted, also always worried about pleasing others – just never realised in how many ways, in what level of detail I was working to please others rather than myself.

Well it wasn’t going to be easy to change a life time’s habits…bad habits are hard to shake off. But am getting on with it. More details perhaps later as they relate to life in general.

Oh, and I’ve done a lot of travelling since my last entry…

Zagreb – (or Zagdrab a friend called it…) for a friend’s wedding - wish them all the best;

Amsterdam – with a friend from Turkey, wish my outlook was as sunny as the weather, but I chilled as much as it was;

Barcelona – for work and play…bumped into someone I know from Ibiza, partied as hard as worked…saw La Pedrera and Sagra de Familia again which were divine…I want to live in Barcelona…it’s definitely my favourite city.

Brussels – for work, surrounded by insincere people who pretend they don’t know something just so that the debate doesn’t move on and action is not taken;

Zurich – for work again but in extreme circumstances…that is extreme luxury…sheets like satin, two meter wide beds, a hotel room possibly as big as my entire flat, with an entire wall made of glass overlooking Lake Zurich and the Alps, five course meal with real (I emphasise real) silver cutlery…a little unnecessary I thought but still couldn’t help but envy the lifestyle of those who frequent places like that…As I sampled the luxuries, I thought I should do something to make sure I get there again and again rather than just this once…but I couldn’t think of a fool-proof solution…And…how impossible is this?...I met up with an old friend, first boyfriend in fact…bless him, he is still as lovely.

Brussels – for work again, first train out (St Pancras is great by the way), late train back…to speak for half an hour at a chemical plant in a meeting room built in the 1960s full of mostly men who looked like they had not left that room since it was built.

On a funny note, I’ve come across this website: http://www.whoshouldliveagain.com/. It is inviting people to vote who they want to bring back to life again….Putting aside the obvious impossibility of this…’God is watching this vote’ says the website…it’s made me laugh…honestly…. There are both goodies and baddies on that list, both politicians and artists (including Bruce Lee!)…There is only one woman…Marilyn Monroe!!! Have us women contributed to world nothing more than boobs? Not to belittle MM, who I think was a fabulous woman, but honestly…Who thinks of these things?!

Next they’ll say God has a page on Facebook…Actually….God’s page on Facebook…not such a bad idea!