No more!
Take another piece of me
I’ll give
Pull me in all directions
I’ll stretch
Crash
I’ll restart
Give up
I’ll hope
Run out of breath
I’ll wait
Talk and talk and talk
I’ll listen
Lie
I’ll believe
Cry
I’ll console
Ignore me
I’ll persevere
Disappoint me
I’ll forget
Be desperate
I’ll help
Be selfish
I’ll understand
Be ruthless
I’ll give up
Ask for forgiveness
I’ll forgive
Until I can no more
And I will no more
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Sunday, September 24, 2006
A bit down…
After the relatively relaxed time in August during which I was able to think and write, September so far has been total chaos. I have so much work on at the moment that I guess less frequent rants will be more likely than some slightly more thought through arguments (that is if, at least, some of the previous ones were).
It’s not just work either (or is it ‘neither’ I never know). Two of my non-Brit friends are leaving London. J, an American, is going back to the States after about 10 years. We went on short breaks several times with mutual friends and solved the world’s problems several times over...though unfortunately the ideas left with the first signs of hangover. J is a bit of a pop-psychologist and loves to hear others’ conundrums. I hope email and telephone will suffice until he comes back. There are no plans for a return journey but I am sure he’ll be back!
M is a Pole. He might as well be my third brother (I already have two blood brothers you see). At first meeting, M is not the easiest person to get on with: he comes across cold and stubborn and can be far too straight with words. But all this is because he is honest and strong enough not to take any sh*t from people. But if one manages to get through (and only a few do), he is one of the most loyal and caring people I know. Perhaps the fact that we are rather similar (though am much weaker than him) makes me love him so much.
M may also be leaving. It’s not certain yet but he is seriously thinking of going back to Poland after 12 years in London. I am in denial still. I don’t even want to think about not having M in London. Sure, we’ll stay in touch, and our friendship will continue. But it’s never the same. And after a few months or at most years, the ties do get weaker, they get replaced by others that are more immediate. I am really sad about this.
I hate goodbyes. And I am not just saying that. My life has been full of goodbyes. From parents at an early age to aunty when I came over here, several friends who came and went through my life over the years…and here I am spending the day entirely on my own on an exceptionally warm September Sunday.
Another foreigner leaving London is annoying in a less personal way too: you can’t help but ask ‘what the hell am I still doing here?’. No family here, best mate is thinking of leaving…just the work and some, admittedly, very good friends. But where to go? What to do? I think some ideas are forming in my head but far too vague at the moment to share…and they are not plans for the near future anyway…just some exercises of visioning the future…but better not lose track of present between too much work and too much future-planning.
***
M was complaining the other day that most people we know are continuously talking about themselves these days. It’s either how terrible their life is or, and surprisingly more often, how great it is. The problem with the latter is that they seem to say this to convince them and justify their choices to themselves more than to the listener. I can hardly judge…I have a blog after all! But I wonder if this is one of the first symptoms of mid-life crisis.
We are mostly in our mid to late 30s, with some achievements under our belts but some mistakes and disappointments too. And the inevitable finality of life is becoming more and more clearer. As we are mostly lazy and scared of taking risks, if we are not entirely happy with life (and who is?), the best option is to convince ourselves we are entirely happy with life. There is genuine merit in this of course. But I wonder whether the best way is to loudly announce to whoever cares to listen (or pretend to do so)…there is something fake about that.
Cynical? I am not naturally cynical; neither am I naturally down. But with friends leaving, me being physically and mentally tired, having had an upset stomach since yesterday; despite the wonderful sunshine outside…this is as profound as I can be at the moment. Life is a simple matter after all…and, at times like this, an early night is the best answer.
After the relatively relaxed time in August during which I was able to think and write, September so far has been total chaos. I have so much work on at the moment that I guess less frequent rants will be more likely than some slightly more thought through arguments (that is if, at least, some of the previous ones were).
It’s not just work either (or is it ‘neither’ I never know). Two of my non-Brit friends are leaving London. J, an American, is going back to the States after about 10 years. We went on short breaks several times with mutual friends and solved the world’s problems several times over...though unfortunately the ideas left with the first signs of hangover. J is a bit of a pop-psychologist and loves to hear others’ conundrums. I hope email and telephone will suffice until he comes back. There are no plans for a return journey but I am sure he’ll be back!
M is a Pole. He might as well be my third brother (I already have two blood brothers you see). At first meeting, M is not the easiest person to get on with: he comes across cold and stubborn and can be far too straight with words. But all this is because he is honest and strong enough not to take any sh*t from people. But if one manages to get through (and only a few do), he is one of the most loyal and caring people I know. Perhaps the fact that we are rather similar (though am much weaker than him) makes me love him so much.
M may also be leaving. It’s not certain yet but he is seriously thinking of going back to Poland after 12 years in London. I am in denial still. I don’t even want to think about not having M in London. Sure, we’ll stay in touch, and our friendship will continue. But it’s never the same. And after a few months or at most years, the ties do get weaker, they get replaced by others that are more immediate. I am really sad about this.
I hate goodbyes. And I am not just saying that. My life has been full of goodbyes. From parents at an early age to aunty when I came over here, several friends who came and went through my life over the years…and here I am spending the day entirely on my own on an exceptionally warm September Sunday.
Another foreigner leaving London is annoying in a less personal way too: you can’t help but ask ‘what the hell am I still doing here?’. No family here, best mate is thinking of leaving…just the work and some, admittedly, very good friends. But where to go? What to do? I think some ideas are forming in my head but far too vague at the moment to share…and they are not plans for the near future anyway…just some exercises of visioning the future…but better not lose track of present between too much work and too much future-planning.
***
M was complaining the other day that most people we know are continuously talking about themselves these days. It’s either how terrible their life is or, and surprisingly more often, how great it is. The problem with the latter is that they seem to say this to convince them and justify their choices to themselves more than to the listener. I can hardly judge…I have a blog after all! But I wonder if this is one of the first symptoms of mid-life crisis.
We are mostly in our mid to late 30s, with some achievements under our belts but some mistakes and disappointments too. And the inevitable finality of life is becoming more and more clearer. As we are mostly lazy and scared of taking risks, if we are not entirely happy with life (and who is?), the best option is to convince ourselves we are entirely happy with life. There is genuine merit in this of course. But I wonder whether the best way is to loudly announce to whoever cares to listen (or pretend to do so)…there is something fake about that.
Cynical? I am not naturally cynical; neither am I naturally down. But with friends leaving, me being physically and mentally tired, having had an upset stomach since yesterday; despite the wonderful sunshine outside…this is as profound as I can be at the moment. Life is a simple matter after all…and, at times like this, an early night is the best answer.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Intervals...
I went to a seminar by Prof Daniel Kahneman, Nobel laureate in economics on Friday. He is in fact a psychologist but since he investigates the aspects of human behaviour that relate to the fundamental assumptions underlying economic theory, his Nobel award in economics is justified.
I won’t bore you with the details of the fundamental assumptions of economics. But, in short, they are that people are rational, selfish and their tastes don’t change. In my humble opinion, rationality assumption is exaggerated. Unlike what’s implied, rationality does not require all decisions to be correct – whatever that means and whoever could achieve it?! They just need to be consistent with the conditions at the time and the desired outcomes. Rationality also does not assume uniformity: what is rational for me can easily be irrational for others. Selfishness assumption is also generally misunderstood: we are selfish and seek happiness but that does not exclude the possibility of other people’s happiness making us happy. In fact, if it did, no ‘rational’ person would ever have children!
Prof Kahneman says people’s rationality and selfishness are bounded (basically they are not always rational or selfish), they have limited self-control and they change their minds. Yeap, this is why he got the Nobel…And it’s not surprising…both economists and psychologists spend their entire careers searching for ‘proofs’ for the most obvious. But for those who try to understand human behaviour (theirs or others’), is there any other choice than exploring the obvious?
Anyway, this is not a piece about economics or my cunning plan about getting a Nobel on the easy! It’s about another obvious – what would make life better…should I ever worry myself with such a question.
Prof Kahneman said “Think of life as a succession of moments. People think of it [life] as a story, a narrative. They want it to be meaningful. They want to improve it. All our intuitions favour life satisfaction. We live in the present but we don’t get to keep the present. We keep the memories…and our memories are selective. [In our memories] routine is not important.” This is from my notes so apologies if I got anything wrong.
It was really exciting to hear him say these words because they were a confirmation of my little way of making my life better. About three years ago, I suddenly came to the realisation that I lived my life as if I was in a theatre. All my excitement was about the ‘Acts’ and all my happiness came from them. The trouble was, I also realised, Acts were rather short and infrequent and most of my time was spent in the intervals. And there was only so much chocolate ice cream one could eat!
I promised myself that I would make the intervals more interesting. That’s when I pushed myself into things that I’d shied away from before, like learning to act by going to an improvisation course; travelling to Australia after 20 years of dreaming about it; staying away from people with negative energy who were bringing me down; starting this blog, taking photographs again and so on and so forth.
As I was listening to Prof Kahneman, it became clear that this realisation I had upon waking up one workday morning had been a life-changing moment. I am going to bed now, if I am lucky there will be another revelation tomorrow morning…but more likely I’ll rush out of the house…I have a deadline tomorrow!
P.S. Dating update update – I’ve thought about this more. I have no right or need to be annoyed. Anyway, bygones... Text received from the non-date; not responded, no need. All I say is that this ‘Act’ of my life has flopped until a better leading man shows up :)
I went to a seminar by Prof Daniel Kahneman, Nobel laureate in economics on Friday. He is in fact a psychologist but since he investigates the aspects of human behaviour that relate to the fundamental assumptions underlying economic theory, his Nobel award in economics is justified.
I won’t bore you with the details of the fundamental assumptions of economics. But, in short, they are that people are rational, selfish and their tastes don’t change. In my humble opinion, rationality assumption is exaggerated. Unlike what’s implied, rationality does not require all decisions to be correct – whatever that means and whoever could achieve it?! They just need to be consistent with the conditions at the time and the desired outcomes. Rationality also does not assume uniformity: what is rational for me can easily be irrational for others. Selfishness assumption is also generally misunderstood: we are selfish and seek happiness but that does not exclude the possibility of other people’s happiness making us happy. In fact, if it did, no ‘rational’ person would ever have children!
Prof Kahneman says people’s rationality and selfishness are bounded (basically they are not always rational or selfish), they have limited self-control and they change their minds. Yeap, this is why he got the Nobel…And it’s not surprising…both economists and psychologists spend their entire careers searching for ‘proofs’ for the most obvious. But for those who try to understand human behaviour (theirs or others’), is there any other choice than exploring the obvious?
Anyway, this is not a piece about economics or my cunning plan about getting a Nobel on the easy! It’s about another obvious – what would make life better…should I ever worry myself with such a question.
Prof Kahneman said “Think of life as a succession of moments. People think of it [life] as a story, a narrative. They want it to be meaningful. They want to improve it. All our intuitions favour life satisfaction. We live in the present but we don’t get to keep the present. We keep the memories…and our memories are selective. [In our memories] routine is not important.” This is from my notes so apologies if I got anything wrong.
It was really exciting to hear him say these words because they were a confirmation of my little way of making my life better. About three years ago, I suddenly came to the realisation that I lived my life as if I was in a theatre. All my excitement was about the ‘Acts’ and all my happiness came from them. The trouble was, I also realised, Acts were rather short and infrequent and most of my time was spent in the intervals. And there was only so much chocolate ice cream one could eat!
I promised myself that I would make the intervals more interesting. That’s when I pushed myself into things that I’d shied away from before, like learning to act by going to an improvisation course; travelling to Australia after 20 years of dreaming about it; staying away from people with negative energy who were bringing me down; starting this blog, taking photographs again and so on and so forth.
As I was listening to Prof Kahneman, it became clear that this realisation I had upon waking up one workday morning had been a life-changing moment. I am going to bed now, if I am lucky there will be another revelation tomorrow morning…but more likely I’ll rush out of the house…I have a deadline tomorrow!
P.S. Dating update update – I’ve thought about this more. I have no right or need to be annoyed. Anyway, bygones... Text received from the non-date; not responded, no need. All I say is that this ‘Act’ of my life has flopped until a better leading man shows up :)
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