A bit down…

After the relatively relaxed time in August during which I was able to think and write, September so far has been total chaos. I have so much work on at the moment that I guess less frequent rants will be more likely than some slightly more thought through arguments (that is if, at least, some of the previous ones were).

It’s not just work either (or is it ‘neither’ I never know). Two of my non-Brit friends are leaving London. J, an American, is going back to the States after about 10 years. We went on short breaks several times with mutual friends and solved the world’s problems several times over...though unfortunately the ideas left with the first signs of hangover. J is a bit of a pop-psychologist and loves to hear others’ conundrums. I hope email and telephone will suffice until he comes back. There are no plans for a return journey but I am sure he’ll be back!

M is a Pole. He might as well be my third brother (I already have two blood brothers you see). At first meeting, M is not the easiest person to get on with: he comes across cold and stubborn and can be far too straight with words. But all this is because he is honest and strong enough not to take any sh*t from people. But if one manages to get through (and only a few do), he is one of the most loyal and caring people I know. Perhaps the fact that we are rather similar (though am much weaker than him) makes me love him so much.

M may also be leaving. It’s not certain yet but he is seriously thinking of going back to Poland after 12 years in London. I am in denial still. I don’t even want to think about not having M in London. Sure, we’ll stay in touch, and our friendship will continue. But it’s never the same. And after a few months or at most years, the ties do get weaker, they get replaced by others that are more immediate. I am really sad about this.

I hate goodbyes. And I am not just saying that. My life has been full of goodbyes. From parents at an early age to aunty when I came over here, several friends who came and went through my life over the years…and here I am spending the day entirely on my own on an exceptionally warm September Sunday.

Another foreigner leaving London is annoying in a less personal way too: you can’t help but ask ‘what the hell am I still doing here?’. No family here, best mate is thinking of leaving…just the work and some, admittedly, very good friends. But where to go? What to do? I think some ideas are forming in my head but far too vague at the moment to share…and they are not plans for the near future anyway…just some exercises of visioning the future…but better not lose track of present between too much work and too much future-planning.

***

M was complaining the other day that most people we know are continuously talking about themselves these days. It’s either how terrible their life is or, and surprisingly more often, how great it is. The problem with the latter is that they seem to say this to convince them and justify their choices to themselves more than to the listener. I can hardly judge…I have a blog after all! But I wonder if this is one of the first symptoms of mid-life crisis.

We are mostly in our mid to late 30s, with some achievements under our belts but some mistakes and disappointments too. And the inevitable finality of life is becoming more and more clearer. As we are mostly lazy and scared of taking risks, if we are not entirely happy with life (and who is?), the best option is to convince ourselves we are entirely happy with life. There is genuine merit in this of course. But I wonder whether the best way is to loudly announce to whoever cares to listen (or pretend to do so)…there is something fake about that.

Cynical? I am not naturally cynical; neither am I naturally down. But with friends leaving, me being physically and mentally tired, having had an upset stomach since yesterday; despite the wonderful sunshine outside…this is as profound as I can be at the moment. Life is a simple matter after all…and, at times like this, an early night is the best answer.