Priorities

Family
Pride
Career
Love
Money

Apparently this is the order of my life priorities according to a Tibetan quiz (http://memoriter.net/flash/quiz.swf) I am sure there is very little Tibetan about the quiz…but the ordering made me think about where my life has been and could go…

The most important thing in this list, FAMILY, is the thing I have had least of in my life…puts lots of my ‘issues’ into perspective. Could I have done better at starting my own family – partner, children – despite such a poor start in life?

Perhaps…or perhaps my PRIDE has kept me away from trying that option...perhaps honesty and trustworthiness are so important to me because I’ve been let down by those with little or no pride (and balls – men or women)…some of whom are indeed in my family…

Pride is perhaps what makes CAREER so important to me, too…positively – because I take pride in my work and negatively – because when pride stops you from exploring the family option, you have nothing but the career (there are friends of course)…

When M says my email reads like a diary entry or a to do list and he doesn’t want to be an entry in it, I totally understand. But I hope he understands too that it’s not because he (or anyone else) doesn’t mean much to me as a human but because I sometimes have no other way to deal with life…and sometimes, as he has done by not responding to my offers, I am given no other choice but return to the security of my serious self.

How can someone have LOVE so low in their priorities?

MONEY is possibly the only thing that’s in the right place…so long as I have enough of it to live independently – since I don’t have family to look after me and my pride will stop me from living off others – I’m happy.

Could a man write this piece? Would he analyse such a trivial list for such a long time?…oh, and believe me, I’ve thought about it longer than a page…and much before I did this quiz...I don’t think so….I hope not anyway…

All this is just the ramblings of a tired mind…I feel like a bag of marbles…one of those plastic net bags…there is a big right hand holding the top of it keeping the marbles in…there is a pair of big scissors on the other hand ready to snip the bag…when it does snip, all the marbles will fall bouncing off the ground and scattering all over the place into the abyss…

I think M would understand this…and possibly he is the only one who would…M the dangerously underweight recluse of a few entries ago…M who wanted a mention here last week…M whom I haven’t seen / talked to properly for so long that I don’t know how to describe anymore…but perhaps the fact that I know he’ll understand my state of mind and how hard it is sometimes to keep hold of that bag is much better than any physical explanation.

I just wish there was someone around whom I trusted to help me collect the marbles should the bag gives way…or perhaps even someone who encouraged me to let go every now and then…give me a hug and want nothing back in return…

I’ve just looked at my facebook account after writing this and before posting…A had sent me a message “I am really really sorry…very sorry…despite your tough attitude I can tell it hurts” about something different. And here that one line gave more strength than anything to keep a hold on that bag. Thank you A. Thank you God / Universe for this renewed relief.

PS...Of course, it's always possible - as A points out - that I like horses and tigers more than sheep and pigs...