You’ve been warned

Eastbound platform.
Overground.
Highbury & Islington.
6.26 pm.
8 April 2008.

It’s not the most inspiring of places on Earth.
But it had an orange glow from the setting sun.

A moment of clarity as I looked across the tracks to the westbound platform.

I knew then that I was now ruthless.

My expectations were zeroed.

I was to go with the flow but truly…no arm bands, no dreams of returning to shore, some shore, any shore…stopped trying to float and just floated.

I felt lighter…worries off my shoulder….I felt truly free.

Nothing out of the ordinary had happened that day or the days leading up to it.

The usual boozy Saturday night, the usual Sunday haze, the usual Monday blues.

Spent the evening with M (the Turkish one…suddenly so many Ms around)…

In my new found flow I was no longer angry with him…all he did was say no to the scenario that cast him as my leading man…he knew what many others before him did too but I didn’t have the courage to admit to myself…the role was not really intended for him…

In that moment of clarity I realised…

In my efforts to cast my leading man I had given too much importance to every men I’d met, I’d given too much of my soul…I’d treated everyone with the same enthusiasm and love and tenderness…

Actually not everyone…those who were more likely to be ‘suitable’ got nothing…I was running away from the possibility of ever filming that scenario.

That was then…

From now on…

Everyone gets what they give…

You want to use me, I use you…and I won’t play fair.

You want love, you’ll get love…and I won’t shy away.

And that’s how I’ve become ruthless.