Appreciation is not just a difficult word to spell!

Whenever I am down, I count all the things in life I am lucky about…I have all my sensory faculties, limbs and organs in good working order; have a job; have a flat; am not rich but not wanting for money; have a few creative hobbies, a scattered but good family, and good friends etc. etc. An annoying habit this, counting one’s blessings, at least for those who mock me for being such a Polyanna.

Despite appearances, until recently I didn’t truly mean any of it. It was all like Mary Poppins says ‘a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down’. I never forgot how bitter the medicine was. So much so that I’ve come to believe that the Robbie Williams lyrics “I don’t wanna die but I ain't keen on living either” were the best description of my life if I ever allowed myself to admit it.

But what I’ve, only recently, allowed myself to admit is something else: that there really is nothing to complain about my life. Not only that I am healthy and have enough money but I don’t live in a war zone afraid of my life. I have control over my destiny in more ways than one.

And as soon as I allowed myself to feel this, lots of good things began to happen as if my wishing alone was enough to make them happen.

I think it started a few weeks ago, when I spent a weekend with the extended family of my goddaughter, S. We played with the kids during the day and spent the night sitting under a tree, sipping wine and talking about all sorts of things while being bitten to buggery by gigantic mosquitoes (and that’s in Surrey!). But I felt part of that family and the love we shared. We even saw our first glow worm together…a good sign.

Weekend before last, I went to Ibiza to visit my friend, H, out of sheer desperation to get away. I expected a friendly home and a good host but she exceeded all my expectations. Not only she was a good host, but also a much better friend towards me than I had hoped. We spent four days sleeping (deepest sleeps I had in years), eating (only a little I must add), drinking (with moderation), dancing (with no bounds at least one of the nights), playing chess (H taught me), swimming as the sun set and talking about life and love.

It’s not an easy thing to talk about love with other people. They either get bored or anxious either because the conversation can truly be boring and repetitive or because you tell truths that they cannot admit even to themselves. H made it possible for me to say thinks (intentional misspelling) I didn’t even realise I was thinking – thinks that got me thinking even more. Even when she didn’t agree, instead of disagreeing she said ‘hmm, interesting, there is something here I shall think about’…the rare trait of a great listener…thank you H!

I came back to London far too soon…as the fox must return to the fur shop (a Turkish saying). A couple of days later I received an email from Easy Jet informing me that my flight to Budapest in a couple of weeks’ time was cancelled and offering me a full refund for the entire journey. I snapped the offer since even though I wanted to go and see the city and attend the music festival, my heart was not in it. I didn’t really want to go and couldn’t have wished for more than a full refund!

When someone wishes something and it happens, they say (at least in Turkey), I wish I wished something else! Why?! Imagine someone giving you a present and you telling them “hmmm nice and it was in my birthday list and all, but I wish you got me something else”. Imagine how that person must feel. That’s how God, energy, universe whatever you call it, must feel. No wonder not many of our wishes come true….we ungrateful gits don’t deserve them, that’s why!

Friday night, I went to a sufi music concert. It was very moving and the amateur group that was playing and singing had improved immensely since I last saw them two years ago. They announced that they would finish the night with a hymn (or ilahi which is the Muslim equivalent). I am not religious…or rather I don’t practice. But there is this one ilahi about a conversation between the musician and a yellow flower which my grandmother had taught me when I was a little girl and which I still remember. I thought ‘I wish they sang Sari Cicek’….law and behold, that’s what they sang which made me happier than I would have if this had happened a few weeks ago…so happy that I didn’t mind going to a restaurant and having dinner by myself…in the middle of Islington, all on my own, on a Friday night, surrounded by groups of friends, families and dates. I would have done it anytime anyway but would have had a bitter sweet taste in my mouth. This time, I experienced a calm happiness about sitting there on my own, making notes for myself about lucky things in life as I watched others with a hidden smile on my face.

The weekend was spent at a wedding, that of F and R who’d met on holiday in a Central American country five years ago; then spent most of the time since living in their respective countries, only meeting for a few weeks every few months. The groom said he was so lucky to have met the bride who changed his life and opened up all sorts of possibilities for him that he never thought possible. There is love after all, so long as one has faith in it. I didn’t feel left out, lonely…despite dining at the table with two of the siblings of the groom and one ex boyfriend. Considering I am the ex of one of the groom's brothers, I felt joy and luck having met these people and not only having been invited to share their joy but also be sitting in a still-close-to-family table.

Even this morning when I turned up at work the first thought in my head was not ‘oh, damn, it’s Monday morning and I am still tired’, even though I was still tired, but ‘how lucky I am to be able to come to work as late as 10.30’!

What’s happening to me? More importantly where is this entry going? Nowhere particular. I just wanted to share how lucky I’ve been feeling. It’s as if I write, this feeling will become even more real.

I do have these pangs of doubt every now and then: like if I allow myself to feel happiness and luck for any prolonged time, i.e. more than a few moments, it will either be taken away from me or I will be forgoing something better. But who, why should it go away? And if it did, wouldn’t it come back again? What could be better? Yes, I could have more material goods, I could travel more, not have to work, I could have a family, a loving husbands, kids. But would having these suddenly make me appreciate them truly, or would I still be either afraid or unsatisfied?

Yes, I guess that’s the key word: appreciate. That’s the change, that’s the difference. It’s not that my life has changed significantly. It’s not that I was granted my wishes by a gene or found a four-leaved clover. It’s just that something changed in me to make me see my life, myself differently. And finally, I begin to appreciate myself; not because I am special but just because I simply am. Maybe this was the change I’ve been waiting for a long time. I just hope I’ll now get over the fear that I jinxed it all by announcing it through this entry. Please, please, let me wallow in this appreciation for a while.